The last couple of weeks I haven’t actually been feeling that great and haven’t really been eating. I feel overly disappointed in myself because I am not working constructively through what I need to. I know that sounds vague but that’s the truth. Though I am positive minded that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have a lot to work through and have demons to conquer, it is true when they say sometimes you are your own worst enemy and get in your own way.

When it’s internal and you’re fighting your own thoughts and emotions it’s hard not to shut it off and say I’ll deal with my emotions another day. I have been through a lot in my little 27 years of life, and have not fully processed my feelings around the not so good moments. Someone told me the other day that I need to sort my shit out and they weren’t wrong. I am balance 95% of my days but the other 5% can be a total shit show… I’m not a loose cannon and I’m not hung up on the past. There are just certain habits and feelings towards my self that I’m struggling to let go of. Writing on this blog does help but I think it might also be time to consult a professional, I’m not mentally unstable but I am holding on to negative unprocessed feelings that will hurt the people closest to me sooner or later.

I deserve the fairytale in every aspect of my life. For that to happen I have to let go of the negativity I’ve been parking at the back of my mind that’s been waiting for the tomorrow that would never come for me to deal with them. To be happy you have to be fully present, most of the time I am fully present but from time to time I do drift off into a cloudy headspace and miss the good things. I don’t want to miss many more little moments… they’re the most precious ones. So I’ve been honest with myself and now with you about how I’m feeling, I try my very best not to hold back any emotions on this blog. What I have to say may help you, may confuse you or make you laugh but either way I’ve learned that raw honesty is the only way you can move forward.

Anyway I’m signing off for now. Until next time sweet cheeks x

The post Acknowledging that I need help appeared first on Roniqua Shereen .

Is it wrong that I have people around but at the same time feel like I have no one to talk to?

How is it even possible to know you have people who care about you but still feel like you have no one to talk to at your lowest points in time because you don’t want to bother them?

I haven’t felt this alone in a while and I’m not even alone. This is now week 11 of me being in lockdown and it’s getting to me. I’m trying my best not to let depression set in, but I’m now fearful that is getting the better of me.

Ever just felt like you want someone to call you just so you don’t feel like you’re bothering them but calling first?

I call to find out how people are doing but aside from my sister no one calls to check in and see how I am doing. Honestly, I’m not sure I’m really okay.

I feel like I am bothering people so I stopped calling, funny thing is they say they are there but they don’t call…

Takeaway after reading this short entry in 2021?

It’s ok not to be ok and to feel alone. Acknowledge it, don’t dismiss your own feelings for the sake of others. Reach out to those around you, or dive headfirst into something that you love. Whatever you do just know that you are not alone.

Signing off for now, until next time sweet cheeks x x

The post Tell the truth to yourself first appeared first on Roniqua Shereen .

I am eternally grateful for all that has been in my path be it person, object, or circumstance. Although this year has had many highs and lows, I am grateful for the journey.

When things were good, I learned what it meant to be truly happy, truly present and how to be appreciative of what is.

When the going got tough and life just wouldn’t give me a break, the times when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel…I learned how to be brave, independent, and resilient but most of all I learned to love myself.

This time has taught me that I am so much more than what you see on the outside, but at the same time, I am not an emotionless robot nor an emotional wreck.

I am Human

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I am learning from them… I’m becoming the humble rock star I’ve always dreamt of being. I may not look like a superhero to the world but in my little bubble, I am my own personal cheerleader and superhero.

Always aim to save yourself if you want to save the world too… This is the end of a chapter and I’m diving into the new one head first! Eyes wide open, I’m now striving for personal excellence – by my own standards and in my own way.

This post was written on November 20th 2020

Until next time sweet cheeks x

The post Means to an end – I am grateful appeared first on Roniqua Shereen .

This doesn’t happen every day, but every now and then I have days beginning with thoughts of dread. In the first few moments after I open my eyes, I think ‘is today one of those days?’ or ‘is today THE day?’.

What am I talking about?

Well in previous journal entries I’ve spoken about the bodily pains I deal with on a daily basis and I’ve also mentioned the leg numbness at some point. Lately, the bodily pains are minimal compared to what they once were. I’ve been keeping up with doctor’s appointments and been doing what I need to do to help myself. However the leg numbness has accelerated, it happens a lot more often now. Whereas in the past would get the numbness when sitting, I now get numb when in motion, so walking around the grocery store or after sitting on the loo for a min or 2.

We don’t quite know what is causing it yet. I’ve been told to keep an eye on it… if both legs go numb and I lose control of my bowls then I should go straight to the hospital, that’s what I’ve been told.

So some mornings I wake up with numbness and think ‘is this the day?’ but then I give myself a minute, breathe, sit up slowly, and rub my legs until the feeling comes back. I used to hide my pain and keep quiet about my fears, this is a habit I’m trying to get out of. Hiding my fears doesn’t help anyone, especially me.

Although I may wake up petrified, I will continue to take my time and carry on. Living each day intentionally with positive thoughts whilst continuing to do what I need to, to be ok.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this truth in the pages of my journal.

Signing off for now, until next time sweet cheeks! x

The post Is today the day? appeared first on Roniqua Shereen .

I eat a little cleaner than I did before, but I see no point in eating without enjoyment so spice it up every now and again. A balanced diet with the mindset of ‘always being open to trying new things. I mean have you ever had roast chicken cooked in a Robinsons orange squash marinade? if the answer is no… give it a go. I promise you won’t regret it!

I’ve rediscovered my love of drawing, painting and art in general. I’ve hung artwork on the walls and I am in love. Not to mention my piece of art on the office wall! the wall is all about black love, self love and how I am learning to embrace my natural beauty. I’ll be sharing photos of the wall soon .

I am embracing this new path that I am on with open arms and an open mind. I am in love with the woman I am becoming, and the kind of life that I am leading. A life filled with love, laughter, and an endless amount of happiness. I deserve the fairy-tale and truly believe that I will get it because I am living each day with intention.

Signing off for now

Until next time sweet cheeks! x

If you missed it find part 1 to this dear diary find it here: Doing what I love with intention

The post My new outlets – Doing what I love with intention part 2 appeared first on Roniqua Shereen .

Well as you can see I’m very much getting back into the flow of writing daily. Granted they are not the daily rants about my days in the office or crazy trips into work. Mainly because I work 100% remotely now, so there are no crazy stories about my office life. Well none that I am going to write about on here for now anyway

Now when I write it’s still about how I feel or what’s on my mind in the moment. Rather than rants they are more stories of growth, development, progression and positive motivation. I’ve said it before but I will say it again, I am human. I have my good days and bad just like everyone else, I am perfectly imperfect.

On my good days I try to be present in every moment and grateful for the day.

On my bad days… sometimes I’ll wallow, cry, shout and want to break things. On days like this, I like to do DIY in the flat, I’ll paint or create something that’ll make me feel proud of how I chose to use the negative energy I had.

I’m a hands on practical little lady

When I get angry I naturally want to break things haha call my reaction what you will. However I’m also a very creative person, so I choose to have a 5-20minute outburst of cursing, crying, etc etc. you get the drift.

Once I’ve had my little ‘session’ I channel what is left into a masterpiece, or at least a masterpiece in my eyes anyway. If I can look at something, recall how I felt when I did it, and feel proud that I’d accomplished something beautiful from that dark moment… then that is a masterpiece to me.

This post was getting a little lengthy.. hehe – find part 2 here: My new outlets – Do what I love with intention

Signing off for now, keep an eye out for part 2 sweet cheek!

The post Doing what I love with intention part 1 appeared first on Roniqua Shereen .